You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Damn victory sex feels great
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
