im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Randomize
