I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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