booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
