mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Randomize
