just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
