So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Randomize
