When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
You are the jesus of drinking
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
