I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
