a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
