im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
