i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
