When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
you made out with another girl for some wings
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
