the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
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