i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Randomize
