True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
