In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
