Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
