I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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