he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
