dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
