NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
and you fell through a lawn chair
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
