We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
as a side note pls kill me
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
