i just had sex bonerless
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Randomize