So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
