she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
