I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
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