my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
