I'm drive I can fine osifer
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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