I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
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