Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
