Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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