I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
