Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
