I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
