Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Randomize
