Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
