I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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