You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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