while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Randomize
