I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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