the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
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