Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
