The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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