You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
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