According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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