I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
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