Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
