Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
