It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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