Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
