i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
