Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Randomize
