my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I don't deserve a penis
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Randomize
