matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
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