Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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