I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
